God's Sovereignty

It is the wee hours of the morning, and I have just completed my last piece of work as part of my first of presumably many hell weeks during grad school. In the past 24 hours, I have had 2 critical analysis papers to write, 1 presentation to do in class, and an econ exam. I have yet to touch my Chinese homework, but all I can think about is going home this weekend and relaxing.

Having loaded up on sugar and caffeine to stay awake, I decided to blog about something that's been on my mind recently: God's sovereignty. It is a term widely circulated in the Christian community. I've been wrestling with it for awhile now, an oft-repeated lingo in my prayers and discussions with other believers. What does that mean? Why do I keep saying it?

A few months ago, though I did not physically attend the conference, I listened to some of the sermons preached during AMI Revolution. The sermons that Dr. Steve Lee gave remarkably centered on the concept of sovereignty in the work of God as seen through the life of Esther. A familiar story: Esther, an orphaned Jewish girl, is chosen by a drunk Persian king, Xerxes, to be his queen. Xerxes is persuaded to issue an edict to kill all Jews. Mordecai, who had adopted Esther before, tells Esther that she must go and tell the king to annul the edict to which Esther replies that if she approaches the king without being summoned, she would surely die and that she cannot go. Mordecai responds and says, "For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" And Esther responds by ordering Mordecai to gather all the Jews and fast for her. "When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish."

God's sovereignty rests in the knowledge that God's plan will prevail regardless of human participation. "Relief and deliverance will arise from another place..." Too often, I think to myself that my actions will ultimately dictate what happens in life. From important decisions like "what am I going to study", "where am I going to live" or "who am I going to marry" to little ones like "what am I going to eat for dinner", "how many hours of sleep will I get tonight?", I think that those decisions will forever alter my life and possibly lead me on a path that's different from where God intends me to be. But I'm learning this concept of God's sovereignty over and over again. God's plan is independent to my actions. God's plan will be done; He just invites me along for the ride.

A case in point is graduate school. I keep beating this over and over again, but I believe this is a lesson that is so fundamental that I wish to share. My first two years of undergrad were marked with constant failures and disillusionment. I had never seen grades that low in my life, so low that the probabilities of me being put on academic probation were high. Until the day I left Ann Arbor, I wore those two years as a sign of failure around my neck. After graduation, amazingly on time, I had trouble conceptualizing how God could use me with a transcript that was not at all attractive to employers and graduate schools. And even after years out of college, I still saw my academic failures as a tremendous source of insecurity and I kept delaying graduate school plans. During the summer or 2007, while in China, I felt that God was speaking to me on one of the many train rides we took. It was almost a calming voice that said, "Be still and know that I am God. Trust in me that I will make your paths straight." It was around this time when I was thinking about my future considerably, and later in that trip, God, once again, spoke words of confirmation. "This is why I brought you to China, to give you a glimpse of what I have called you to. Now do not fear and go." And I felt that command to go was a confirmation that God wanted me to pursue the convictions he had placed on my heart for awhile. And upon returning, I took my GREs and applied to several schools. I felt that if God really wanted me to go to graduate school and pursue this path, that only He could make it happen. My competitive standing alone would not get me in, and again, my insecurities came up and I began to listen to the lies of Satan, that I wasn't smart enough, wasn't good enough, etc. But when I got my acceptance letter to one of the top schools in my field, I knew that God is sovereign. If it is His will, He will make it possible. All He asks is for obedience and faith.

I'm learning that over and over again, each week of graduate school. In different experiences in class, in finding a church, in friendships, in other aspects of life, God is orchestrating things that I simply could not have done on my own. I'm learning to have more faith and worry less because God is in control. His will is going to prevail one way or another. It is up to me to respond in faith like Esther, "If I perish, I perish." I will do what I need to do because God is in control. And even if I make mistakes, God is in control. God is sovereign.