This is a confession from the heart. This is more so for me than anyone else, but I'm going public to be honest and vulnerable. Perhaps it'll be of help and encouragement to others who share similar stories.
I've grown up in a culture that demands perfection. Being the oldest son of Korean immigrants, there has always been an exceeding pressure to become "successful." Ever since I can remember, I've been taught that anything less than perfection is simply not enough, whether academically, athletically, artistically, etc. I consider myself a little bit more fortunate than some of my other peers whose parents were even more demanding than mine. All in all, as I look back, I realize that the environment in which I grew up fed a growing sense of insecurity and low self-esteem that has carried over to the present day. But with that being said, I refuse to play the blame game. Playing the victim and blaming my parents and the culture in which I grew up in would be the easy way out.
This has been something that's been on my heart for some time now. I've battled such feelings of inadequacies and insecurities for as long as I can remember. Why am I not smart enough? Why am I so shy and afraid of so many things? Why can't I do certain things? And the list could go on.
It's been a struggle that keeps coming up in different ways. Recently, graduate studies has been a source of much of this struggle. With every week and every class, I come out feeling like I've barely survived a ten-round boxing match. There are times when I genuinely have no idea what I've signed up for, considering every waking moment is spent on some school-related activity, mostly reading and writing papers. I feel like I'm barely staying afloat while it seems some of my peers are breezing by.
But God has been faithful beyond belief. Last week, I somehow endured my hell week where I had two papers, a presentation, and an exam all due on the same day. After that day, in all honesty without exaggeration, I thought I had failed everything. I was totally unprepared for my presentation, both my papers were pulled out of my butt, and the exam was questionable. I left for New York last weekend feeling dejected and needing a break. I didn't have a nervous or emotional breakdown or anything of that sort, but deep inside, I was battling the doubts that were ever so rapidly filling my heart and my mind. I began to believe the lies that I wasn't good enough, that I'd never become successful, that I will always be a failure.
After coming back to DC, I got my grades back for all of the things I had submitted, and once again, I was floored. Again, God was gently rebuking me that I was focusing too much on my circumstances rather than on God. As I was coming home from classes on Wednesday, I felt God was speaking to me through the words of Paul. God's grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in weakness. Feelings of inadequacy and insecurity has kept me humble throughout these past few months. I could easily boast about my grades and my abilities in school. But God is reminding me that I'm not so good, that I don't deserve the grades that I've been getting.
This is a hard lesson for me. Overcoming feelings of inadequacies and insecurities will be a tough challenge for me, but I know that God is faithful. I'm just thankful to God for all that He's shown me, and all the more, I wish to say that He is able when I am not.
This has been something that's been on my heart for some time now. I've battled such feelings of inadequacies and insecurities for as long as I can remember. Why am I not smart enough? Why am I so shy and afraid of so many things? Why can't I do certain things? And the list could go on.
It's been a struggle that keeps coming up in different ways. Recently, graduate studies has been a source of much of this struggle. With every week and every class, I come out feeling like I've barely survived a ten-round boxing match. There are times when I genuinely have no idea what I've signed up for, considering every waking moment is spent on some school-related activity, mostly reading and writing papers. I feel like I'm barely staying afloat while it seems some of my peers are breezing by.
But God has been faithful beyond belief. Last week, I somehow endured my hell week where I had two papers, a presentation, and an exam all due on the same day. After that day, in all honesty without exaggeration, I thought I had failed everything. I was totally unprepared for my presentation, both my papers were pulled out of my butt, and the exam was questionable. I left for New York last weekend feeling dejected and needing a break. I didn't have a nervous or emotional breakdown or anything of that sort, but deep inside, I was battling the doubts that were ever so rapidly filling my heart and my mind. I began to believe the lies that I wasn't good enough, that I'd never become successful, that I will always be a failure.
After coming back to DC, I got my grades back for all of the things I had submitted, and once again, I was floored. Again, God was gently rebuking me that I was focusing too much on my circumstances rather than on God. As I was coming home from classes on Wednesday, I felt God was speaking to me through the words of Paul. God's grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in weakness. Feelings of inadequacy and insecurity has kept me humble throughout these past few months. I could easily boast about my grades and my abilities in school. But God is reminding me that I'm not so good, that I don't deserve the grades that I've been getting.
This is a hard lesson for me. Overcoming feelings of inadequacies and insecurities will be a tough challenge for me, but I know that God is faithful. I'm just thankful to God for all that He's shown me, and all the more, I wish to say that He is able when I am not.
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