New Start

Tomorrow, I start my second semester. It is exciting in a new way. I kind of know what to expect now, now that I've got one semester under my belt. The last two-and-a-half weeks of the previous semester is not something I want to repeat this time around. I vow to keep up with my work and not leave all my final papers til the last minute. I found out that one of my classes has a 30-page paper due. At least it's due a month earlier than most finals, if that is any consolation. But given the craziness I endured last semester, I'm very pleased with my performance. I've never seen grades that high next to my name and the letters "GPA". Horray for God's awesome faithfulness.

Recently, I finished Randy Pausch's book, "The Last Lecture" and watched the last lecture he delivered at Carnegie Mellon University where he had been an associate professor of computer science. If you've never heard of him, Randy Pausch was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, a type of cancer in which less than 10% of those diagnosed live past six months. With less than six months of good health left, he went on to deliver a poignant lecture that touched the hearts of those in the room and beyond. If you have not listened to that lecture and/or read the book, I strongly urge you to do so. They will surely not disappoint.

The book/lecture got me thinking about some stuff. Often times, good books and/or talks will do that to you. Here was a man diagnosed with one of the most severe forms of cancer there is and he's so optimistic on life. Yes, he is deeply saddened by the fact that he will soon leave his wife by herself to rear three children who will never fully know who their dad was. But he does not live with bitterness and a woe-is-me attitude. He does not play the victim. He says in his lecture, "That is what it is. We can't change it. We just have to decide how we'll respond. We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." And he played it as best as he knew how.

There are so many life lessons I got out of this short little book at first reading. I'm definitely planning on going back and re-reading it. I believe it has valuable lessons of what it means to be a person. But the one lesson I want to focus on today is the power of attitude. I look at myself and I see someone different from this Randy Pausch person. I get one parking ticket, one paper cut, one lousy grade, one missed lunch, and I get all bent out of shape. Here is a man who's been sentenced to death, and he lives happily and fully to his bestest abilities. There is something wildly attractive about that. Sometimes I fool myself into believing the lie that I cannot change who I am. I'm a pessimist, a half-empty kind of guy. But that doesn't mean I need to stay that way. I want to be optimistic on life. I want to be able to live a full life where even if something doesn't go the way I would hope, I can still move on quickly to bigger and better things.

That is what I'm going to try to do this new year. I don't necessarily believe in new years resolutions. But I want to try something new. I want to remain as upbeat as possible no matter what may come.

Reflections

The year is slowly ticking down to its final moments. At this time tomorrow, millions will gather in the heart of Manhattan to watch a crystal drop ball and ring in a new year. It is crazy to think that 364 days have passed. A lot has transpired over those days. There have been good times; there have been tough losses. It has been fun and exciting while also filled with uncertainty and dread. I've experienced love and grace, rejection and rebukes, apathy and cynicism, hope and fulfillment. As one year passes and a new one approaches, it has been good to reflect on the lessons God has taught me.

Throughout this year, one of the fundamental things I learned was how sovereign God was. He knows what He is doing, even when I don't necessarily know. At this point a year ago, I was rushing to send out all my graduate school applications in hopes that one school would accept me. A few months later, I received the first rejection letter from the school of my dreams. But as soon as I began to despair, God rebuked me by sending me the first acceptance letter from another one of my top choices. Though my grades and experiences were lacking, God, in His marvelous plan, brought me to where I needed to be doing what I needed to be doing. And upon starting school, God continued to teach me about His sovereignty. Despite feelings of inadequacies in my studies, He provided the strength for me to finish assignments and finish the semester well. The grades I received were purely by the grace of God.

Related to this lesson, I'm desperately trying to learn to live a life that requires faith. I'm the type of person who needs to know every single piece of information available before making a decision. Over time and having gone through many circumstances, I've become so risk-averse that I cannot will myself to make a decision until I know with almost absolute certainty. And that fear has become such a stronghold in my life. At times it is paralyzing, especially when God wants to move in a certain direction and every logical part of me says no to Him. Something that Pastor Matt Driscoll said in one of his sermons has stuck with me ever since I first heard it. "But sometimes when you've done all you can, you have to take a calculated risk trusting that God is sovereign and good and He will figure things out...there are occasions it is risk, not foolishness, not a life of random blind foolishness, but a life of faith not folly where risk must be taken. Those of you who are overly cautious, those of you who must have an answer to everything, those of you who must think through the contingency plan for every contingency plan before you act, you may lack a proper understanding of God as sovereign and good. I'm not saying planning is bad, I'm not saying preparing is bad, I'm not saying contingency plans are bad but I'm saying at some point you must trust and in faith you must proceed forward and sometimes faith involves risk."

God even speaks to me on this very issue through Malcolm Gladwell, in his book "Blink." He writes, "We live in a world saturated with information. We have virtually unlimited amounts of data at our fingertips at all times, and we're well versed in the arguments about the dangers of not knowing enough and not doing our homework. But what I have sensed is an enormous frustration with the unexpected costs of knowing too much, of breing inundated with information. We have come to confuse information with understanding." That is me in a nutshell. I've confused information with understanding. When it comes to making decisions, I have this mentality that I need to know as much information as possible. Gladwell points out in the book that too much information severely impairs judgment and he cites case studies to prove this. I can't even count with my fingers how many times I've made poor decisions primarily because I've come to believe that I need to know every little piece of information before deciding on something.

This coming year, I want to live an adventure. This past Sunday, at RWC, the guest speaker spoke a timely message. I don't want to settle for mediocrity or anything that is subpar to what God had intended for me. Tehrah, the father of Abram, on his way to Canaan, stopped at Haran and settled there. He missed out on what God had for him in Canaan. He was comfortable. He found security. He settled. It was only through his son that God made a covenant, that Abram would become Abraham, the father of many nations. Abraham trusted God and obeyed. He did not know what lay ahead of him. He had security in Haran. Yet, he had faith and left everything. I want to be able to do that. He heard the voice of God and left. I hear the voice of God and then I need to cover my bases with contingency plans just in case things don't work out. And that is what I am praying that I will be able to do next year. Every step of the way, I want to have simple trust in God. If He has gotten me here this far, why would He fail me now?

On that note, Happy New Years!