Reflections

The year is slowly ticking down to its final moments. At this time tomorrow, millions will gather in the heart of Manhattan to watch a crystal drop ball and ring in a new year. It is crazy to think that 364 days have passed. A lot has transpired over those days. There have been good times; there have been tough losses. It has been fun and exciting while also filled with uncertainty and dread. I've experienced love and grace, rejection and rebukes, apathy and cynicism, hope and fulfillment. As one year passes and a new one approaches, it has been good to reflect on the lessons God has taught me.

Throughout this year, one of the fundamental things I learned was how sovereign God was. He knows what He is doing, even when I don't necessarily know. At this point a year ago, I was rushing to send out all my graduate school applications in hopes that one school would accept me. A few months later, I received the first rejection letter from the school of my dreams. But as soon as I began to despair, God rebuked me by sending me the first acceptance letter from another one of my top choices. Though my grades and experiences were lacking, God, in His marvelous plan, brought me to where I needed to be doing what I needed to be doing. And upon starting school, God continued to teach me about His sovereignty. Despite feelings of inadequacies in my studies, He provided the strength for me to finish assignments and finish the semester well. The grades I received were purely by the grace of God.

Related to this lesson, I'm desperately trying to learn to live a life that requires faith. I'm the type of person who needs to know every single piece of information available before making a decision. Over time and having gone through many circumstances, I've become so risk-averse that I cannot will myself to make a decision until I know with almost absolute certainty. And that fear has become such a stronghold in my life. At times it is paralyzing, especially when God wants to move in a certain direction and every logical part of me says no to Him. Something that Pastor Matt Driscoll said in one of his sermons has stuck with me ever since I first heard it. "But sometimes when you've done all you can, you have to take a calculated risk trusting that God is sovereign and good and He will figure things out...there are occasions it is risk, not foolishness, not a life of random blind foolishness, but a life of faith not folly where risk must be taken. Those of you who are overly cautious, those of you who must have an answer to everything, those of you who must think through the contingency plan for every contingency plan before you act, you may lack a proper understanding of God as sovereign and good. I'm not saying planning is bad, I'm not saying preparing is bad, I'm not saying contingency plans are bad but I'm saying at some point you must trust and in faith you must proceed forward and sometimes faith involves risk."

God even speaks to me on this very issue through Malcolm Gladwell, in his book "Blink." He writes, "We live in a world saturated with information. We have virtually unlimited amounts of data at our fingertips at all times, and we're well versed in the arguments about the dangers of not knowing enough and not doing our homework. But what I have sensed is an enormous frustration with the unexpected costs of knowing too much, of breing inundated with information. We have come to confuse information with understanding." That is me in a nutshell. I've confused information with understanding. When it comes to making decisions, I have this mentality that I need to know as much information as possible. Gladwell points out in the book that too much information severely impairs judgment and he cites case studies to prove this. I can't even count with my fingers how many times I've made poor decisions primarily because I've come to believe that I need to know every little piece of information before deciding on something.

This coming year, I want to live an adventure. This past Sunday, at RWC, the guest speaker spoke a timely message. I don't want to settle for mediocrity or anything that is subpar to what God had intended for me. Tehrah, the father of Abram, on his way to Canaan, stopped at Haran and settled there. He missed out on what God had for him in Canaan. He was comfortable. He found security. He settled. It was only through his son that God made a covenant, that Abram would become Abraham, the father of many nations. Abraham trusted God and obeyed. He did not know what lay ahead of him. He had security in Haran. Yet, he had faith and left everything. I want to be able to do that. He heard the voice of God and left. I hear the voice of God and then I need to cover my bases with contingency plans just in case things don't work out. And that is what I am praying that I will be able to do next year. Every step of the way, I want to have simple trust in God. If He has gotten me here this far, why would He fail me now?

On that note, Happy New Years!

Christmas

But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins." All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel--which means God with us." - Matthew 1:20-22

Jesus is the reason for the season lest we ever forget.

Causes

These days, it's becoming a fad to have a cause. Bono, of U-2 fame, has his DATA organization to alleviate poverty in Africa and the (RED) campaign to raise money for the fight against AIDS in Africa. Angelina Jolie is the UNHCR's Goodwill Ambassador, the spokesperson for refugees and internally displaced peoples. Lucy Liu is the US Fund for UNICEF Ambassador, committed to the organization's HIV/AIDS awareness and education programs. Bill and Melinda Gates started the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation for the fight against preventable diseases among other initiatives. The list can go on and on.

It's awesome to see "outliers", to borrow Malcolm Gladwell's term, use their exceptional fortune to do some good in this world. In an age where the Lindsey Lohans and Brittany Spears and Paris Hiltons of the world headline the tabloids with their latest celebrity exploits, I find it abhorable that not as much media attention has been placed on Ben Affleck's "Gimme Shelter" short film for UNHCR's effort to raise $23 million for the refugee crisis brought on by the Democratic Republic of the Congo's civil war.

But as helpful and productive the attention that celebrities bring to some of these causes are, it is simply not enough. The challenges that the world faces today is overwhelming. Much of sub-Saharan Africa is trapped in a vicious cycle of poverty and war. Child soldiering has been and continues to be employed in many wars across the world. Indentured servitude and sex trafficking is the largest slave movement in modern times. Religious intolerance and persecution is not on the decline, and there were more Christian martyrs in the 20th century than all the prior centuries combined. Corruption is rampant in the U.S. and other economic powerhouses of the world. Dictators ruthlessly enslave their own citizens and execute others without cause. Tens of millions are without clean drinkable water while millions more are without basic nutritional food. People in abject poverty live in the base of garbage dumps, where they scavenge for leftover food and/or junk they could sell to vendors. We need not look too far to see that right in our own backyards are people who are disabled, homeless, incarcerated, victims of substance abuse, etc. Can there be a celebrity spokesperson for all of the thousands and millions of needs in this world?

It is no wonder that many choose to ignore the troubling circumstances of our times. They pretend as though poverty, AIDS, refugees, etc. do not exist. Or they simply don't care. The cynic inside of me fights to come out at times. There's simply nothing I can do. It's just too much. But I believe that God has called each and everyone of his people, including myself, to run this race for the least of these. Sure, there is no way in hell I'm going to be able to devote my time and resources to fight every battle. But I think that is the beauty of the Church, the partnership of the saints. I may be passionate about children's rights and human suffrage movements; others might be passionate about access to healthcare and preventable diseases; some others might be concerned with homelessness and substance abuse patients. And together, we can make tangible inroads in helping alleviate some of the tantamount issues of our age.

I am no idealist. I believe it is fundamentally impossible that we can eradicate all the problems of this world. That is what heaven is. But I believe that the words of Isaiah and Micah are not just in the Bible for the sake of being in there. I'm not sure how God will specifically use me to run this race for the least of these. But I am open to doing whatever and going wherever. Would you join me?

Here are a few organizations that are dedicated in doing some good in this world. This is not an exhaustive list, but a list of organizations I am familiar with and support to some degree:
- World Vision
- International Justice Mission
- LiNK
- ONE
- USAID
- Charity Water

Quarter Complete

One semester is officially in the books. The past two weeks (three if you count the crazy week of Thanksgiving) were a blur. There's one thing that I did a lot of that I hadn't done in quite some time: pull all-nighters while feeling the intense pressure to perform. It's seriously one of the depressing things when the sun is rising, your roommates are waking up to go to work, and you're in the same position as you were when the sun was setting and your roommates were going to sleep. It's even more depressing when this repeats more than once in a week.

But it's done now. I turned in my last paper today at 5:45pm. And I get to taste freedom for the first time in three weeks. No more locking myself in my room or in the dungeons in a library reading about Kim Jong-Il, nuclear deterrence, desperation theory, national identity concept in international relations; about Seoul Olympics, tourist industry, mega-event strategy for development; about aggregate demand curve, inflation rates, monetary and fiscal policy; about human rights, North Korean Human Rights Act, refugee status. Don't get me wrong. I learned a lot. I appreciate it. But I'm done with it...at least for now. I think it's time that I give my brain a rest. My body has taken a beating these past two weeks. I think I've developed acid-reflux disease or heartburn or something for having stayed up so many nights and eating anything and everything into the wee hours of the morning (or sometimes not eating at all). I've had minor facial breakouts that I hadn't experienced since like junior high school. And my room looks as if a tornado hit. So I'm ready to move on and enjoy the next several weeks of pure freedom and enjoyment.

But through it all, God is continuing to teach me more of His ways. All the sermons I've listened to has really touched me in fresh ways (even Pastor Bruce's out at Remnant West during the Thanksgiving weekend). This has surely been a time of renewal and refreshment for my soul, and I intend to enjoy it and soak it in as much as I can. I know that there will be stretches in my walk where I will struggle. But I believe, right now, I am learning to be content in how God is working in my life and without fear about where God will take me in the future. I need to learn to live for the moment (although still praying about the future) because God has lessons in the present for the future.

It's been a learning semester (academically, personally, spiritually). It's been a trying semester. But all in all, it has been a blessed semester, of which I have no one else but God to thank.

Thankful

Thanksgiving Day. There's much to be thankful for, regardless of external circumstances. Really.

A loving family. Supportive friends. God-fearing church.
Eyes to see. Ears to hear. Mouth to taste. Nose to smell. Hands to feel. Legs to walk.
A roof over my head. Food on the table. Money in the wallet. Clothes for the body.
Higher education. College education. Heck, ANY education.
Clean water. Hot water. Running water. Electricity. Heat.
A vision to pursue. A call to obey. A mission to fulfill.
Faith. Hope. Love. Grace. Mercy. Inspiration. Dreams. Goals.
Children frolicking without a care in the world. Friends and family tying the knot. Friends and family in love.
Hearty laughs. Deep talks. Powerful prayers. Good fellowship.
Timely convictions. Much needed rebukes. More needed encouragement.
A pat on the back. An arm around the shoulder.
And so much more.

As I write this, at least 101 are dead and hundreds more injured/missing in coordinated terrorist attacks in Mumbai, India. As I write this, the economy is tanking with virtually no end in sight with the housing market continuing to slide, unemployment continuing to rise, stock market continuing to rise and fall. As I write this, terrorist insurgencies continue to hamper development of Afghanistan and Iraq. As I write this, malaria, tuberculosis, smallpox, and other curable diseases ravage sub-Saharan Africa with inaccessibility to cheap medicine. As I write this, AIDS is killing off an entire generation of Africans, leaving orphans to fend for themselves. As I write this, modern day pirates board ships as a multimillion dollar enterprise conducted by a lawless society in Somalia. As I write this, modern day slave traders traffick men, women, and children to become forced laborers and prostitutes in the developing world. As I write this, food prices continue to rise and bread riots continue to be a global threat. As I write this, genocide continues in Darfur with little international action being taken while words like "not on our watch" become meaningless. As I write this, hundreds of thousands of North Koreans are locked away in concentration camps for life and millions more are starving while its leader gets fat off of choicest selection of food the world can offer, drives any one of his hundreds of exotic cars, drinks the most expensive liquor found on earth.

As I write this, I realize how ungrateful I've become. All the luxuries afforded to me by the grace of God I take for granted. But on this Thanksgiving Day, may I realize how blessed I am and how I am blessed to be a blessing to others.

Your Kindness Leads to Repentance

Harvest Mission Community Church had been my church for the last seven-plus years. It was the church that welcomed me, a sinner, into the arms of a mighty God. It was the church that showed me the full extent of God's love for all peoples. It was the church that taught me how to love the local body and to build up the body of Christ. And in the words of Paul, I thank my God every time I remember the church.

My relationship with the church, however, was not always rosy. I did not see eye-to-eye with the pastors all the time. I did not agree with some of the church's philosophy of ministry. I had issues with the structure of the organization. I questioned certain decisions. I took offense at comments directed at people. I definitely had many instances of bitterness, anger, and jadedness towards the church. I have definitely struggled in loving the church.

I tried to leave on a good note. I didn't want to leave on a bitter note like many of my friends. So I tried. And I thought I did a good job. But upon arriving in Washington D.C., God was revealing that I had not effectively dealt with the contentious issues I had with HMCC. I had merely bottled in the angst. I had not allowed God to heal me. Even as I got plugged into a church in the DC area, I took issues with the way the church in Ann Arbor operated, and it spilled over into arguments and debates with others.

It was only recently that God began the process of healing me. Hearing other people who had their own issues with the church share about their post-HMCC experience certainly helped. Visiting the Austin church also helped. But on the plane ride home from Austin, I listened to a sermon that was recommended by a friend. Pastor Mark Driscoll, lead pastor of Mars Hill Church, gave a sermon at a John Piper conference. He talks about the use of words in the church. One of the points he makes is that we need to pray for the shepherds. He says, "As ministers, we are far from being perfect. But many of us are doing our best. And we are grieved that the minds of our people should be more directed to our personal imperfections than to our divine message." Here I was, criticizing the weaknesses of the staff rather than focusing on the message of God and what it would have for me. Here I was, nitpicking on certain areas of minor disagreements that was preventing me from focusing on God and what He would have for me.

He also says, "Religious people preach repentance. They don't practice repentance. Religious people tell everyone to repent. They themselves fail to repent." I'm a bona fide pharisee. I had forgotten my roots as a sinner. I had gotten too caught up in the religiosity of serving in the church. I had become proud, somehow convincing myself that I knew better then anyone else and that what I had to say was worthy of an audience. I had neglected the Christian call to repentance, presuming a holier than though attitude. Other people should repent, not me. Through this sermon, God was revealing the magnitude of my sinfulness and how far from the cross I had swerved. And I found myself repenting on the plane and throughout the days to come.

I appreciate Harvest Mission Community Church. The church is composed of imperfect people who are trying their best to obey God. Do they have faults? Sure. But so do I. And that is the beauty of the grace of God. He uses imperfect people to proclaim the perfect love of God. Praise God.

If you are bitter or have issues with your church and/or others within the church, I highly recommend listening to this sermon. I pray that God would free you from the bondage of bitterness as He is doing in my life. Here is the link to the sermon. Feel free to drop a line or an email if you'd like to talk about the sermon and/or other issues.

Change is Coming

So I voted for the other guy. I'll get that off my chest right away. It was a hard fought election, a campaign in which we saw messages of hope mixed with sleeze. But in the end, the American people have spoken, and the country blazes a new path in its history.

I respect President-elect Barack Obama. His quick ascendency to national prominence is something to admire. But that he is the nation's first African-American President-to-be is something special. Despite the fundamental differences I have with his ideology, I am proud to see a minority be elected to the country's highest position. The jury will be out on how effective his four years will be in guiding this country through two wars, a global financial crisis, a fractured domestic political spectrum, and many other issues. But history has been made, and we'll see what the future holds in store for this country.

This election has been the outright rejection of the brand of politics that has been in power for the past two presidents. The spike in interest in the political affairs of this nation is a criticism of the divisive rancor wielded by Bush and co. And I'm glad for the shift. We are no better off as a people and a nation than eight years ago. The domestic partisanship is as extreme, if not more, than eight years ago. We are in one unpopular war in Iraq that has resulted in the deaths of thousands of young men and women for a cause that was fabricated. We are in another war understaffed and facing many challenges and insurgency movements that seem resilient in their ways. And we are in the most serious economic crisis since the Great Depression and policymakers are throwing everything at the problem hoping something sticks and begins to work.

It is fitting that John McCain lost in a landslide and Republicans in the Senate and House lost ground. It was hard to watch McCain deliver his classy concession speech. Many question where the John McCain of last night had been throughout the campaign when Americans were looking for answers instead of attacks. That was the real John McCain that I had learned to respect. The real McCain that stood for principles, that worked across party lines to work for America. But in the end, the John McCain of the past several months has been the John McCain that Barack Obama wanted to portray, the McCain of the right wing George W. Bush brand of the Republican Party. I'm not going to say that that is why he lost the election. But when he reached to the far right wing of the social conservative base and picked an unknown, inexperienced Alaskan governor who had only been in power for two whole years as his Vice Presidential nominee, he lost the moderate and independent vote.

It is time for a change. As a moderate Republican, I am fed up with a brand of politics that demonizes the other side, writes fear-mongering letters to sway electorates, and does anything and everything to keep power. Where is the integrity and morality, the willingness to work together for the good of the people, the leading by example, the call to serve the public good, the small government and empowerment of the people? Where is the Ronald Reagans and the Abraham Lincolns of the Grand Old Party these days? I'm tired of Karl Rove and Dick Cheney. I'm tired of Donald Rumseld and Paul Wolfowitz. I'm tired of Sarah Palin and Bill O'Reilly. It's time for change.

Two Years ii

Our church schedules a memorial service for a fallen hero. His name was Minhee Kim. Friends knew him better as Andy. He served his country. But he loved God and His people even more. Those who would gather at the service would serve as a living testament to the short life that our friend had lived. The room quickly fills up. Tissue boxes line the aisles. No one says a word to one another. Tears that flow like mighty rivers say enough. Andy lived well. He left a legacy.

Several days later, two friends and I go to visit his family. We bring comfort foods of sort so that they wouldn't have to cook in their time of great grief. We greet the parents and his brother. We try to console them. We tell them some stories about Andy. They grieve. We grieve alongside them. Words seem hallow at a time like this.

A few days later, the casket arrives in full procession. The body arrives at the airport from Dover, DE. There's a more formal open-casket funeral service. Local news reporters, officials, veterans of Operation Iraqi Freedom, veterans from other U.S.-involved wars, and the rest of the Ann Arbor community would cram in the sanctuary of Covenant Presbyterian Church. It's my first time experiencing a military funeral--bagpipes, bugle, the standing guards, etc. One of our pastors presides over the main service. Some of his closest friends and small group leaders give eulogies. A little sermon. Many tears. We pay our final respects. I approach the half-opened wooden casket draped in red, white, and blue. I see his lifeless body robed in full military garb. You did good kid, I whisper. You did good.

The pallbearers close the casket. The flag is draped over. The Marines do their ceremonious procession in carrying the body out and into the funeral car. The parents and his brother follow. It doesn't ease the pain. But at least he's in a better place, a place where there is no more tears and sorrow. I see friends in the arms of others, individuals in contemplation, old war veterans saluting their own. I see grown men cry, young college kids grow up, strangers pay homage and respect. It would be beautiful picture in any other circumstances. But not today. Today, I weep with those who weep, grieve with those who grieve.

I open my email to find the last correspondence I had with him. He last wrote to us on Oct. 16, 2006: "one verse thats been sticking out to me has been psalm 44:22. it brings [an] odd comfort that He calls us to die each day to many different things, physically or spiritually. i need to learn more to take my hands off situations, especially when i can't control who gets to come home in one piece and who doesn't." Psalm 44:22 says, "Yet for your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." That verse now has new meaning.

People often ask how a loving God could allow tragedy to happen. In my youth, I would have tried to find the most articulate philosophical argument to that question. But these days, I just let God deal with those who ask. Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has ever given to God that God should repay him? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever. Amen.

Two Years

It's a cold and snowy November day. The day isn't any different than usual. I park at the same level of the same parking lot like any other day. I get to the office, turn on the lights, brew some coffee, open my email, and go about the routine. My supervisor comes at her usual time, and then the rest of the office trickles in. I don't remember what I was working on at the time. It's probably some travel/hosting report or something to that effect. My supervisor comes out of her office at around 12:30pm, asking when I'm taking lunch. I tell her, soon. I had no lunch plans that day. I was just going to go to one of the restaurants I usually take out from in days like that. I don't exactly remember why I didn't just go and get something earlier. I probably was gchatting with people. That probably is it.

Then, at 12:34pm, I get an email from my lead pastor. The subject headline says, "Important Information." And being on the leadership at the church, I am accustomed to receiving emails with such subjects. Nonchalantly, I open the email thinking it has something to do with one of our upcoming gatherings. But instead, I read the first line, and I feel like I've been punched in the stomach really hard. Blood drains from my face as I stare blankly at the monitor in front of me. My supervisor walks in and immediately senses something is not right. She asks if I'm okay. I tell her everything is fine. She doesn't buy it, but she walks back into her office. I re-read the short little email. A close friend ims me. He's read the email too. He asks if I'm alright. No, I say. Me neither, he says. We decide to meet up for lunch at Charleys in 15 minutes. In the meantime, I im some others. No one can believe it. This can't be, we tell ourselves. And then none of us can say much after that.

I tell my supervisor that I'm going to lunch. I zipper my jacket, put my hood on, place my hands inside my pockets and head downstairs. I see my friend at the corner of South U and East U. We walk silently towards Charleys. Silence has never been that loud before. We get inside, shake off the snow, take off our jackets, and sit in a booth. We take a look at the menu. Our appetite's gone, but our stomachs tell us to order. I'll have the swiss mushroom burger with fries, I tell the waiter. My friend orders something too. The waiter leaves. I look out the window overlooking the wintry Ann Arbor landscape. The snow is falling thicker and faster than before. None of us say much for the first few minutes. He breaks the tension. His voice cracks. He's cried before we met up. He starts sharing the last thing he remembers. Something at small group. I can't really remember the details. We smile. The food comes. I pick at the fries until he says he'll pray for the food. He prays. He sobs. He whimpers. He barely finishes with the traditional, amen. Little do I realize, tears are raining down on my cheeks as well. Two grown men crying in a public restaurant. Who gives a damn what people think.

I take a bite of my burger. I taste nothing. I chew a little bit, and then I offer a story. The first time I met the kid. Five, maybe six years ago. In a summer small group. When undergrads studied the Word and fellowshipped with high school students and graduate students. A quiet kid, but genuinely good-natured. He had a unique laugh. So did I. We connected. He reminded me of my own brother. I liked him. We got along well. He accepted Christ. Got involved with the church. Then off to college he went. Only to return a year later with plans to transfer. He began serving the church. Small group. Ministry team. His class. And then, out of nowhere one day, he tells me he's enlisting. USMC. I didn't know how to respond. What do you say to that? I thought he was joking. He wasn't. He went off to boot camp. He came back different. The same, but very different. He awaited deployment. Iraq. The Bush administration's flawed war. The search for WMD yielded nothing but an all-out civil war and anarchy. Good men were sent to bring peace. Many saw death. I prayed for a miracle. Somehow his company would not ship to Iraq. Maybe Korea. Japan. Somewhere far away from harm's reach. For awhile, my prayers seemed to be working. He kept getting delayed. Until September. He was finally being deployed. I got a chance to meet up with him. Again, what do you say in that situation? He laughed in his usual goofy form. This time, I only smiled. I could not laugh. I prayed for him. He asked me to. What do you want me to pray for, I asked. He said he wanted to be a witness to his company and to the people of Iraq. Anything else? No. I looked at him. I saw someone vastly different from the one I first met in that random small group. I just nodded my head. And I prayed. The day before he was to deploy, people at church gathered around him and said their good lucks. No goodbyes. He'll come back to us. I give him a hug. Come back safe, I whisper in his ear. He just nods. That's the last I saw of him.

to be continued...

Inadequacies

This is a confession from the heart. This is more so for me than anyone else, but I'm going public to be honest and vulnerable. Perhaps it'll be of help and encouragement to others who share similar stories.

I've grown up in a culture that demands perfection. Being the oldest son of Korean immigrants, there has always been an exceeding pressure to become "successful." Ever since I can remember, I've been taught that anything less than perfection is simply not enough, whether academically, athletically, artistically, etc. I consider myself a little bit more fortunate than some of my other peers whose parents were even more demanding than mine. All in all, as I look back, I realize that the environment in which I grew up fed a growing sense of insecurity and low self-esteem that has carried over to the present day. But with that being said, I refuse to play the blame game. Playing the victim and blaming my parents and the culture in which I grew up in would be the easy way out.

This has been something that's been on my heart for some time now. I've battled such feelings of inadequacies and insecurities for as long as I can remember. Why am I not smart enough? Why am I so shy and afraid of so many things? Why can't I do certain things? And the list could go on.

It's been a struggle that keeps coming up in different ways. Recently, graduate studies has been a source of much of this struggle. With every week and every class, I come out feeling like I've barely survived a ten-round boxing match. There are times when I genuinely have no idea what I've signed up for, considering every waking moment is spent on some school-related activity, mostly reading and writing papers. I feel like I'm barely staying afloat while it seems some of my peers are breezing by.

But God has been faithful beyond belief. Last week, I somehow endured my hell week where I had two papers, a presentation, and an exam all due on the same day. After that day, in all honesty without exaggeration, I thought I had failed everything. I was totally unprepared for my presentation, both my papers were pulled out of my butt, and the exam was questionable. I left for New York last weekend feeling dejected and needing a break. I didn't have a nervous or emotional breakdown or anything of that sort, but deep inside, I was battling the doubts that were ever so rapidly filling my heart and my mind. I began to believe the lies that I wasn't good enough, that I'd never become successful, that I will always be a failure.

After coming back to DC, I got my grades back for all of the things I had submitted, and once again, I was floored. Again, God was gently rebuking me that I was focusing too much on my circumstances rather than on God. As I was coming home from classes on Wednesday, I felt God was speaking to me through the words of Paul. God's grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in weakness. Feelings of inadequacy and insecurity has kept me humble throughout these past few months. I could easily boast about my grades and my abilities in school. But God is reminding me that I'm not so good, that I don't deserve the grades that I've been getting.

This is a hard lesson for me. Overcoming feelings of inadequacies and insecurities will be a tough challenge for me, but I know that God is faithful. I'm just thankful to God for all that He's shown me, and all the more, I wish to say that He is able when I am not.

God's Sovereignty

It is the wee hours of the morning, and I have just completed my last piece of work as part of my first of presumably many hell weeks during grad school. In the past 24 hours, I have had 2 critical analysis papers to write, 1 presentation to do in class, and an econ exam. I have yet to touch my Chinese homework, but all I can think about is going home this weekend and relaxing.

Having loaded up on sugar and caffeine to stay awake, I decided to blog about something that's been on my mind recently: God's sovereignty. It is a term widely circulated in the Christian community. I've been wrestling with it for awhile now, an oft-repeated lingo in my prayers and discussions with other believers. What does that mean? Why do I keep saying it?

A few months ago, though I did not physically attend the conference, I listened to some of the sermons preached during AMI Revolution. The sermons that Dr. Steve Lee gave remarkably centered on the concept of sovereignty in the work of God as seen through the life of Esther. A familiar story: Esther, an orphaned Jewish girl, is chosen by a drunk Persian king, Xerxes, to be his queen. Xerxes is persuaded to issue an edict to kill all Jews. Mordecai, who had adopted Esther before, tells Esther that she must go and tell the king to annul the edict to which Esther replies that if she approaches the king without being summoned, she would surely die and that she cannot go. Mordecai responds and says, "For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" And Esther responds by ordering Mordecai to gather all the Jews and fast for her. "When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish."

God's sovereignty rests in the knowledge that God's plan will prevail regardless of human participation. "Relief and deliverance will arise from another place..." Too often, I think to myself that my actions will ultimately dictate what happens in life. From important decisions like "what am I going to study", "where am I going to live" or "who am I going to marry" to little ones like "what am I going to eat for dinner", "how many hours of sleep will I get tonight?", I think that those decisions will forever alter my life and possibly lead me on a path that's different from where God intends me to be. But I'm learning this concept of God's sovereignty over and over again. God's plan is independent to my actions. God's plan will be done; He just invites me along for the ride.

A case in point is graduate school. I keep beating this over and over again, but I believe this is a lesson that is so fundamental that I wish to share. My first two years of undergrad were marked with constant failures and disillusionment. I had never seen grades that low in my life, so low that the probabilities of me being put on academic probation were high. Until the day I left Ann Arbor, I wore those two years as a sign of failure around my neck. After graduation, amazingly on time, I had trouble conceptualizing how God could use me with a transcript that was not at all attractive to employers and graduate schools. And even after years out of college, I still saw my academic failures as a tremendous source of insecurity and I kept delaying graduate school plans. During the summer or 2007, while in China, I felt that God was speaking to me on one of the many train rides we took. It was almost a calming voice that said, "Be still and know that I am God. Trust in me that I will make your paths straight." It was around this time when I was thinking about my future considerably, and later in that trip, God, once again, spoke words of confirmation. "This is why I brought you to China, to give you a glimpse of what I have called you to. Now do not fear and go." And I felt that command to go was a confirmation that God wanted me to pursue the convictions he had placed on my heart for awhile. And upon returning, I took my GREs and applied to several schools. I felt that if God really wanted me to go to graduate school and pursue this path, that only He could make it happen. My competitive standing alone would not get me in, and again, my insecurities came up and I began to listen to the lies of Satan, that I wasn't smart enough, wasn't good enough, etc. But when I got my acceptance letter to one of the top schools in my field, I knew that God is sovereign. If it is His will, He will make it possible. All He asks is for obedience and faith.

I'm learning that over and over again, each week of graduate school. In different experiences in class, in finding a church, in friendships, in other aspects of life, God is orchestrating things that I simply could not have done on my own. I'm learning to have more faith and worry less because God is in control. His will is going to prevail one way or another. It is up to me to respond in faith like Esther, "If I perish, I perish." I will do what I need to do because God is in control. And even if I make mistakes, God is in control. God is sovereign.

Ramblings

A disclaimer: This is not a cohesive entry with a main point. This is not how my papers for classes look like. This is just a collection of various thoughts I've had lately that by themselves would not have been worth posting an entry.

A few days ago, I was watching college football. More specifically, I was watching the Michigan-Wisconsin game. I almost turned the television off after halftime because that game was ugly. Good thing I didn't. Aside from watching such a crazy comeback, one of the announcers said something that stayed with me. He was commenting on the reluctance of the Wisconsin quarterback in stepping up in the pocket and delivering passes and instead being sacked and hurried to make bad throws. He said something like, "You can't wait forever to throw that ball. You gotta pull the trigger earlier." Life lessons from a college football analyst, wouldn't you say? Can't wait forever...you gotta pull the trigger. Watching football has its perks.

The economy is going crazy. And House Republicans are playing the partisan game when they rejected the $700billion government bailout bill. Sure that amount of money is staggering, considering our generation will take the hit and need to pay it off somehow. But to blame Nancy Pelosi (I mean I'm not a big fan of her either but...) and her partisan speech before the vote as the reason why you vote against the bill? Come on! That's such bull. I expect more from my congressmen. Americans should kick everyone of them (not just the Republicans) out of the House this Nov. We need a fresh start.

Speaking about the bailout, all those people who were contacting their congressmen to vote no on the bill are not intelligent. Sure, the taxpayer shouldn't be called up on to bailout financial institutions for the mistakes that greedy corporate execs made in the first place. We shouldn't be asked to throw a lifesaver to these corporations that are giving those execs tens of millions of dollars in severance packages for the crappy job they did. But that's just one side of the story. This financial crisis also affects the so-called Main Street people, the average Americans when there is a credit freeze and banks are collapsing. Banks are refusing to lend to anyone out of fear at a time when small and medium businesses rely on short-term loans for their payroll and costs of operations. This can only mean a staggering number of job losses and economic shutdown if this prolongs. So if the average American wants to punish corporate execs, they must be willing to punish themselves. But perhaps that may not be such a bad thing, given that we are a society that has become slaves to the credit market, a generation that is burdened with reckless debt.

Learning a new language is hard. Learning Chinese is even harder. God have mercy on me. I'm learning to be patient and take things one step at a time. But it's hard. I should have learned a language when I was younger and my brain was more impressionable. This class is definitely taking up a lot more of my time than I had expected. But I have no regrets. I'm determined to learn it and be good at it (and it's not because of a girl as some have suspected). It's a critical language in the world today, and I think it'll be a good asset to have in whatever I end up doing after grad school. Also, it reminds me of my experience in China. It'd be cool to go back and talk to the natives in their tongue instead of having to rely on translators. Maybe one day...

One Month In

It's been about a month since I've started graduate studies. So far I don't want to quit, so I guess that's an encouraging sign. In actuality, though it definitely has not been easy, graduate school is pretty fun and interesting. I'm now realizing how quickly these next two years are going to fly by, so I'm trying my best to enjoy every moment and learn as much as I can in order to fully prepare myself for the future.

The academic load has been pretty demanding. At first glance, three classes doesn't seem all that intense. But it's been consuming my life more than I could've ever imagined. And I just started an intro to Chinese language class, and my life will only get busier with academics. But I can't complain. The classes have been pretty interesting so far. I'm taking two of my three core classes (theories to international relations and economic theories) as well as an elective (U.S. and the Two Koreas) which will count towards my area focus requirement. The two core classes are kind of dry, but I'm realizing how foundational they are for future classes, particularly my specialization classes I'll begin to take next semester. My elective class on Korea has been awesome. The readings have been enjoyable and informative, and our class discussions have been stimulating and challenging. We'll be bringing in Kim Hyun Sik, the former professor at Pyongyang University in N.Korea and the former tutor to Kim Jong Il, who will speak at American University. I had a chance to talk to him briefly when he came to speak at the University of Michigan, and when I heard he'd be speaking at AU, I knew I had to take this course.

Outside of school, I've decided to attend Open Door Presbyterian Church. At the end of the day, I wanted to get plugged in to a church sooner than later, and this church has all the things I'm looking for. It's pretty cool because I've gotten to connect with former U-M alums who I had lost touch with over the years. I'm not sure how actively I can participate in serving and whatnot, but I'm going to try my best to serve in whatever capacity I can find.

I've been resisting in writing about politics on my blog just because politics has the power to divide people. I've been finding myself engaging in some meaty political discussions in the world of gchat, but I will continue to refrain from publishing my opinions online. If you really want to discuss the presidential elections, the economy, international affairs, and all that, then you can find me online or drop me an email. Maybe when it gets closer to the actual elections I will throw in a few entries about how I feel. But I just don't feel like taking my personal opinions to the blogs. So sorry.

But all in all, I'm loving it in Washington D.C. I wish I had a bit more time to just unwind and enjoy what the city has to offer, but I can't complain.

Missions ii

One of the things that really inspire me is hearing life-transforming testimonies. And the ones that really get to me are the ones that are just so conceptually unbelievable but yet so amazingly true. Today, I heard of a story like that, and allow me to introduce him to you (due to the sensitivity of the topic, i have changed his name and any detail that could potentially disrupt his ministry).

Mark was a religious man, devout believer in a monotheistic religion in a country in Central Asia. He grew up in a very homogeneous religious environment; everyone he knew believed the same god as he did. Nothing changed until two missionaries from the United States transplanted in the same region of the country. These two missionaries, husband and wife, left everything behind to reach out to Mark's people group and his country. Through the missionaries, God opened the heart of Mark's uncle who came to believe that Jesus died to give him new life. Mark's uncle quickly shared the Good News with all his family members, including Mark. But Mark could not believe, and angrily argued with his uncle. "How could you believe such a false god?" he asked. But his uncle continued to share with him and prayed for him. Time passed, and one day, an angel of God appeared to Mark in a vision and told him about how Jesus came to die for him. Mark accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior that day and began to witness to his own people group. He was received with hostility, getting beaten and arrested a few times. The two missionaries later married Mark and his wife before getting kicked out of the country because of new laws that outlawed foreign missionary work in the country. Mark worried about the growth of the local Christian population with foreign missionaries, but God has been faithful to him and his people. Despite being closed to foreign missions work, the church continues to grow in the hardest areas of the country, where most people are fundamentally hostile to Christianity. Mark is here in America to learn advanced agricultural sciences so that he can take that knowledge back to his home country and develop the agricultural industry there and will gain a great platform to serve his people and build the local church.

As he shared his testimony, I could not help but recollect my experience in the villages of western China reaching out and sharing the Gospel to the locals. It was overwhelming to see just how much more work needed to be done in sharing the Gospel and how there was no viable local church to witness to their own people group. And I can't help but wonder, if China continues to crackdown on evangelization within its borders and decides to really kick out every foreign missionary, can the Gospel continue to slowly change the hearts of the ethnic minorities that we were reaching out to? But as evidenced in this man's testimony, even though his country kicked out missionaries, the local church continues to grow.

Our God is mighty to save, might to save indeed.

Missions

A few nights ago, I randomly decided to browse through my journal that I wrote in while I was in China last summer. As I was reading through the different entries I had written before, during, and after the trip, I was, metaphorically, transported back in time and a flood of memories gushed forth. It was a good solitary time between me and God, as I was being freshly reminded of different experiences and convictions from the Lord.

Last night, my roommates and I went to check out a local church's missions banquet. The church, Open Door Presbyterian Church, is a Korean church that gave birth to an English congregation that meets independently. Though they are two entities, they often times interact very closely, as is the case with their summer missions trips. During their missions service where in which the 7 summer missions teams did a presentation as well as the pastor gave a short sermon, I was blown away at this church's commitment to missions. This was a church that not only talked the talk about going to the ends of the earth; they were wholly committed to the evangelization of every people group.

This church, like I said early, sent 7 summer missions teams comprising of more than 100 people of its Korean and English congregation. They also have sent out long-term missionaries that are serving faithfully in Africa and Central Asia, as well as financially support many others. One of their teams that went to an East Asian country had the opportunity to enter into a closed country, not only to missionaries but to most citizens of the world. When they showed pictures, I felt God was reawakening my heart to the work of missions. And during the prayer time, it was one of the most refreshing prayer times I've had for a long, long time.

I'm going to attend the church on Sunday to see what it's like on an average Sunday and to see if this is the church for me. The only reservation I have is that it is predominantly homogeneous in its makeup, with a few non-Koreans. But in terms of the one value that I refused to compromise on, this church is all that I could've wished for in its pursuit of reaching the nations. We'll see what happens...

The Start of Something New

The past two days have been spent at American University's School of International Service Orientation. Having just arrived in the Washington DC area, I had very little time to adjust to my new home. And so these past several days have been really hectic, and something tells me that the situation is not going to get any better once school starts next week.

However, I am officially a graduate student now that I have completed my orientation and have loads of reading already waiting for me. It is at times exciting but also, at times, very overwhelming. One thing that was repeated quite often throughout the two-day orientation was that I could no longer operate with an undergraduate frame of thought. I have two years to complete my program and not nearly enough time to just dabble in different interests. There seemed to be a tepid warning to us, masters students, to quickly find a professional passion (as one professor called it) and dive right in. So far that doesn't bode well with me, one of many professional interests in the field of international relations.

Aside from that, I am seeing God's hand at work in my life. A few things show me that God is seeing me through this new chapter in life. A few months ago, when I realized how expensive the total cost of graduate school would be, I became desperate in trying to find anything that would pay me (at the very least to put some dollars in my pockets). I had applied for faculty assistantships that were available but had not heard from the school, and so I feared the worst. However, a few weeks ago, after leaving Ann Arbor, I received an email indicating that I, in fact, did receive a faculty assistantship position, and that the faculty I would be assisting is the current dean of the school and whom I had talked to briefly before. The pay is not all that awesome, but the mere fact that I get to work closely with the dean of the school counts for something.

Another area in which I see God orchestrating things is in the way God brings international students into my life. I'm trying to learn how to be more outwardly social in gatherings, and during orientation, one of the unsaid things is to go and meet your classmates and professors. Often times, fear would hold me back from just introducing myself to a bunch of strangers, but somehow I got to interact with some international students from Taiwan, China, Indonesia, Korea, and Japan. I don't know what it is, but I had always had an affinity towards international students, particularly those from East Asian countries. And that affinity followed me all the way to Washington DC. I'm trying my best to build relationships with these students. One thing I want to refrain from is to approach any relationship that I may build in the next two years on an agenda. It will undoubtedly be a challenge to share my faith with my classmates, but first and foremost, I want them to see Jesus in who I am.


Overall, although I am exhausted from the past two days, I am excited on the start of a new chapter in my life. As cliche as this may sound, I feel like the possibilities are endless. To a certain extent, perhaps what they say is right, that one person can make a difference. I hope that by the end of my graduate studies, I will be ready to roll up my sleeves and get to work in solving one or more problems. But until then, I do not wish to repeat my first year of undergrad when I completely blew off my classes. I'm excited to hit the books again and learn the theories and the practicals of international politics.

Appreciating Greatness

The Olympics is a showcase of the world's best athletes in action, and these Beijing Games have certainly not disappointed in individual and team achievements. By far, the most captivating headline of these games is Michael Phelps' pursuit of an unprecedented eight gold medals. As of today (8/15/08), he is seven for seven, the last gold coming in a thriller of a finish, out-touching Milorad Cavic by a hundredth of a second. With that victory, he tied Mark Spitz's Olympic record by capturing seven gold medals in a single Olympics, and Phelps has a chance to break that record when he races in the 4x100m medley relay.

As I've been admiring this man's athleticism and pursuit of glory, I've encountered many people who are vehemently wishing that Phelps does not break the record. I understand that Michael Phelps' character is lacking by account of eyewitnesses. I understand that he is rather proud. I understand all the knock on his personality. But these are the Olympics, and what Michael Phelps is doing is ridiculous. The guy has thirteen gold medals in two Olympics for crying out loud. He's breaking records as if it were his job. And with one more win, he'll set one more, one that seems almost improbable to break (although that's what was said of Mark Spitz's performance in the Munich Games).

I think it's time for people to get off their moral high horse and appreciate greatness when it is seen. This is a once-in-a-lifetime type of event, and it is sorry that many people are ruining the moment by wishing ill will towards a true great Olympian. Again, this is not to condone his lack of character or his immense pride issue. But the dude is good at what he does, and at the end of the day, he deserves the success he's getting after all the hard work and training he's put in all these years. I hope he gets that record; I hope to be able to say that I saw him set that record in my lifetime.

Update 8/16/08
He did it. The dude is amazing. I don't care what all the haters say about Michael Phelps. He is amazing. It was pretty disgusting to watch him tear up the last 50m on his leg of the medley. He is a freak of nature. And he deserves the glory of winning an unprecedented 8 golds. Congratulations to Phelps.

Nationalism

The highly anticipated Beijing Olympics are underway. Michael Phelps' pursuit of eight golds dominate the storylines, as well as the pageantry of the opening ceremonies. There are rags-to-riches stories as well as athletes exceeding expectations. The Olympics have the special ability to bring together the world in competition, even in the midst of war and conflict. It's amazing to see how countries of all sizes rally around their athletes as they compete for a medal.

That's been the case for Koreans. Park Tae Hwan became the first Korean to medal in a swimming event in the Olympics when he won gold in the 400m freestyle. Immediately, every Korean beamed with pride as the eighteen-year-old rose to the podium to receive his gold. The small country came upon a new hero right from the start, stirring up even more nationalism.

As a Korean-American, I'm torn as to which athletes to root for. On one hand, I feel an affinity towards South Korea, the place of my birth. On the other, I've been raised most of my life in the United States. Perhaps this is the heart issue for most, if not all, immigrants to America. Does one stay loyal to his/her country of origin/heritage? Or embrace the country to which they have come to live in?

When I watch the Olympics these days, I've learned to embrace both aspects of my culture, as a Korean and as an American. I cheer on the Korean archers as they dominate the bow and arrow; I cheer on the American basketball team as they trounce helpless teams. But if ever the two countries would go head to head, I believe I would have to rally behind the Koreans. Perhaps it's because Korea is the Davids among the Goliaths; perhaps it's because my parents have succeeded in indoctrinating Korean pride. I don't know what it is, but Korea is where my heart is when it comes to international sports competition.

Community

Finding a biblical community was definitely not something I expected to do when I first moved out to Ann Arbor to begin my college career. I had plans to take a break from the church scene and live a hedonistic lifestyle. I wanted the "American Pie" kind of college experience minus the sex. And for the first year and a half, I had no desire to do anything church-related. I partied. I tried to study. I lived for myself.

It was only when a lot of things began spiraling out of control did I consider God again. When my grandfather's bout with cancer took a turn for the worst, I had nowhere else to turn to. When my friend, the first person I met from HMCC, invited me to come out to her small group for the millionth time, I finally agreed to check it out. These Christians genuinely welcomed me and loved me for who I was. And I found myself opening up to these strangers about my issues, and they prayed for me in a way I had never known before. When my grandfather finally succumbed to his illness, it was this small group that helped me cope and helped me realize that God provided these people to show me how much He loved me and cared for me. I was hooked and recommitted to Christ that year.

Over the seven years that I've been part of this church, I'm so grateful for the small groups that I've been a part of. Each one, whether in the academic year or in the spring/summer, have all played a significant role in my growth and taught me unique lessons. I quickly learned that Christianity was not meant to be done alone. Each leader and member added things to the group that would teach me how great of a sinner I am and how great a savior God is.

And not only did I love the small group community, but I loved the bigger church community. From married couples to children's church and everything in between, I was affected in small and big ways. They were my mentors, disciplers, members, brothers, sisters, and friends. Whether I knew them for the duration of my involvement in HMCC or I just got to know them recently, they've all impacted parts of my life. They've taught me, inspired me, encouraged me, trained me, rebuked me, loved me, and everything else imaginable to get me to where I am today.

It is sad that I will no longer be part of this community. I've been told that this kind of community cannot be replicated. I believe the people who've told me that. These brothers and sisters in Christ are special. And I will sorely miss them. So for all the people that have poured into me, thank you for your patience, your compassion, your love. Only God knows if our paths will ever cross again, but at least you know that your labor i n the Lord was not in vain. Please keep in touch, and wherever we are, may we continue to love God and love His people.

Networking

Tomorrow is my last day of work at the Center for South and Southeast Asian Studies. All heavens rejoice! Just kidding...sort of.

In all seriousness, it's been almost three years since I've worked in this office. While it hasn't always been the most exciting and fulfilling job out there, it was a job nonetheless and so I've always been grateful for my experience. I've been surrounded by wonderful colleagues, faculty, and peers, along with having the opportunities to meet amazing lecturers from around the world. The tasks themselves weren't all that challenging, but the interactions I've had with these people have challenged not only my character, but also my perception on ideas and fascination on international affairs, particularly concerning politics in Asia.

Working for several years in between undergraduate and graduate studies was a worthwhile experience. I've learned to develop more interpersonal skills and networking abilities to help me in my career goals. Last night I had dinner with a faculty whom I had developed a good relationship with over the years, and she took it upon herself to give me various contacts of her former students who work in the Washington DC area who would be of help to me in my career pursuits. I don't consider myself to be much of an out-going and social person, and I've always found it difficult to network with people. But from seeing my director and faculty and other students network with others has taught me a thing or two to get uncomfortable for something greater.

P.Seth always reminds people who eventually leave the HMCC community to "never burn bridges" in relationships because you'll never know what will happen in the future. I see how some of these faculty are well-connected with past students all across the world. Whenever they travel, they seem to have people they know in some of these big cities whom they can meet up with. I hope to keep in touch with some of my colleagues as well as some of the faculty and students I've come to meet through this job. Whether to be in the know of what is going on in their lives or for career networking, I believe there is a reason why these people have been a part of my life these past several years.

At Least I Tried

Nicholas Kristof, one of the New York Times Op-Ed writers, first opened my eyes to a form of slavery I had never been exposed to before--children, as young as eight, and women abducted from their homes to work in seedy brothels all around Cambodia. I could not begin to fathom how one could justify subjugating a child and rob them of their innocence by allowing Western tourists to sexually assault them.

Today, the New York Times published an editorial piece by John R. Miller, a public policy scholar at the Woodrow Wilson Center and a former State Department ambassador. In the article, he attacks the United States Department of Justice for not wanting to end the sex trafficking industry in the United States and abroad, one of the hallmark humanitarian platforms that President Bush has staked his presidential legacies on. I, too, agree with Miller in that the public should excoriate the Department of Justice for its refusal to do whatever it takes to end this horrific injustice.

The William Wilberforce Trafficking Victims Protection Reauthorization Act of 2007 was introduced last year to, among other things, give broader powers to Congress, the Department of State, the Department of Justice, and other federal agencies to combat the pervasive sex trafficking industry. The bill passed almost unanimously in the House of Representatives, but is currently stalled in the Senate Judiciary Committee. How the United States cannot get their act together and continue to ignore the eradication of rights for women and children who are trapped in the modern day slave trade is deplorable.

Although I am unsure of how everything is going to turn out in the years to come, I wish to get involved in tackling social injustice--maybe not sex trafficking per se (although I am open), but anything social injustice related. I watched the movie "Lions for Lambs" last night, and in the highly politically-charged movie, Robert Redford's character, a college political science professor, tries to logically persuade an apathetic student with utmost potential to care about society and get involved. In one of the more poignant parts of the movie, the student says, "You think it is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try. But what is the difference if you end up in the same place?" And the professor calmly responds, "At least you tried something."

When all is said and done, when I have to give an account for what I did with my one life, I want to say that at least I tried to make right some wrongs in the world in which I live in today. At least I tried.

What the Future Holds

Ever since my decision to leave Ann Arbor to pursue a graduate degree in Washington D.C., I've been repeatedly asked to share my vision in life after graduate school. And I simply respond, "I don't know."

I've been struggling for quite awhile about what I should center my academic focus on and finding a clear-cut long-term vision for my life. Coming up from a visionary church culture where everything I did had to have a vision, I found it hard to think that I didn't have a concrete plan for my graduate studies and thereafter. Inwardly, I felt a bit insecure because I didn't have a 10-year plan and how my international relations degree would bring God glory.

Even as I sat down to write my statement of purpose for grad school applications, I was conflicted as to what I wanted to do and what my motivation was. Eventually, I wrote out how each of the graduate program would help me in my interest in seeking political redress for victims of human rights violations in North Korea. But even when I submitted my applications, I was not completely satisfied with my purpose.

But lately, God has been speaking to me and giving me peace in small ways. The cost of following Christ demands radical obedience. When Jesus called the Twelve to follow Him, the disciples needed radical faith to abandon everything. They didn't have the slightest clue as to what following Christ truly meant. They may have speculated how Jesus' calling would play out in their own lives, but they certainly could not have imagined that ten of them would be martyred, one would betray Jesus, and one would live out the rest of his life in exile. It was only when they stepped out in faith and believed that God began setting things in motion and used each of them to accomplish His purposes.

In the same way, I'm beginning to see that work in my life. At each crossroad, He invites me to take a leap of faith. And as I'm beginning to learn how to make decisions based on faith, I realize that God doesn't tell me everything I would like to know. He tells me enough so as to make faith possible. And while it is good to have some idea of a vision, I'm learning that, as with all things, I need to hold it loosely because God's plan will always trump mine. And in terms of where I am now, with the question of what I want to study and for what purpose, I realize there is no such thing as a bad decision. Regardless of whether I focus on human rights issues in the repressive North Korean state or the effects of ethnic conflict in eroding human rights and destabilizing political structures around the world, God can use me. And wherever that takes me, God is control and bids me to come follow Him.

And so, now when people ask me what I want to do with my life, I can confidently say that I don't know but my God does and that's all that matters.

To Be Brave or Be Safe?

In fact, for parents, Jesus asks us, I think, to make yet another choice. Are we raising our children to be brave or to be safe? Are we raising our children to be loving or to be smart? Raising them to be successful or significant? How does God raise his children? This marvelous quote from C.S. Lewis I’d like to have you look at for just a moment: “Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness…Kindness merely as such cares not whether its object becomes good or bad, provided only that it escapes suffering.” My vulnerabilities as a parent are such that sometimes I just want my kids to escape suffering. But then they just can’t be good or brave.

IJM’s almost 10-years-old now, and one of the privileges I’ve had is ten years of interns at IJM. There are hundreds of them now who have served with us. And one other thing I’ve had a chance to connect to is hundreds of intern parents. We take these very young, earnest, incredibly sharp, brilliant Christian young people and send them off to these very tough places to go serve some very needy and hurting people. And this is a tough step of faith for the young people, but this is a leap of faith for the parents. It’s incredible to watch because all their life these parents have been plowing faith into their children, and the love of Jesus, and it turns out their children actually believe it! And they go do it! And the parents are out of their minds! Sometimes I wonder, because I think there comes a time when the child asks his mom and dad, "Mom and dad, why are you giving me all this stuff? Because you've given me food and shelter and clothing and great education and discipline and faith and structure and all these things, but mom, dad, why are you giving me all this stuff? And the honest answer for me is that I'm giving you all this stuff so you'll be safe. And I think my kid looks up to me and says, "Really? That's it? That's your grand ambition for me? That nothing bad happens?" And I think something inside of them dies. - Gary Haugen, Director and CEO of International Justice Mission (IJM)

I was reading through IJM's website to look for possible internships, and I came across this sermon that Gary Haugen gave at a church. And as I was reading this sermon, I was reminded of the initial small steps I've taken towards my destiny in these past eight years in Ann Arbor.

For the longest time, I had convinced myself that I was not called to missions work. I loved my ESPN, my burgers, my bed, my car, and all the comforts afforded to me by my privileged life in America. I could not imagine living in a foreign land, eating exotic foods I couldn't even pronounce, and around people who couldn't speak the same language. I knew in my head that there were lost people who needed to hear the Gospel, but I didn't want to be the person who God could use to share the good news.

During my senior year of college, Nicholas Kristof, the New York Times writer, began a series of articles centered around the sex trafficking problem in Cambodia. Girls, as young as six, were being sold into brothels to be used as a sex slave for western tourists. That absolutely disgusted me, and a part of me wanted to do something to stop this injustice from continuing. Sovereignly, that summer, HMCC would send a missions team to Cambodia and Thailand, and I was given the opportunity to apply to be part of that team. But I struggled. On one hand I wanted to be brave and be available to minister to the people in Southeast Asia, whatever their needs were. On the other, I loved my comforts of home too much to give up for some people I didn't even know. But thank God for some key older brothers and pastors in my life who spoke loving truth to make me evaluate my heart. In the end I decided to take that leap of faith and go to Cambodia and Thailand for that summer, and that decision has made all the difference.

I love my parents, who are God-fearing Christians. My mom tells me she prays every morning for my brother and me. She tells me she's proud of us that we still follow Jesus and serve our churches that we do. But she has her limitations. Last year, I was convicted to go on one more summer missions trip to confirm different things that God was putting on my heart. I told my mom that I wanted to go to a communist country to be available to do anything and everything. My mom hesitated before telling me to reconsider. She said that it'd be too dangerous and that if I wanted to, I could go to China later on in life. She told me that people here in America need Jesus also, and she asked me why I would want to risk" my life by going to a closed country. I decided to obey God and not my mom.

I had grown up to be cautious and careful, to be risk-averse and conservative. And I think a part of me did die in the process. The excitement that comes from being part of an adventure was all but gone in my life. But slowly God has been renewing me as I learn more of His calling for me. When He calls me to have faith, He brings me to a place where faith is possible--in the uncertainties, unknowns, difficulties, etc. Obedience to God is often hard and scary; but it is richly rewarding. And though I know the decisions I will make in the future will only get harder and scarier, I pray that I would muster the courage to choose to be brave and follow conviction over safety and comfort.

Life Goes On

More and more people are packing their bags and leaving Ann Arbor. Some are gone for the summer. Others are gone for good. And soon enough, I will join the ranks. And with that thought comes a flood of emotions. Relief. Joy. Excitement. Trepidation. Anxiety. Doubt. Regret. Sadness.

I will admit, I am a sentimental fellow. I can get emotional at times, especially when good friends come and go. In the past year, many of my friends have left town. Some to Chicago, some to New York, some internationally, and others in various places around the world. This week alone, people have moved on from Michigan to Austin, New York, and New Jersey. It is sad to say goodbye, especially with the uncertainty that we'll ever cross paths again.

There was a time when I would wallow in my sadness as friends departed one by one. Recollecting all the fond memories made it so hard to imagine life apart from them. The bond and emotional attachment seemed too strong to sever, and sometimes I'd wonder if it would've been better to never have met them. But I've come to realize how short-sighted that mentality had been. Were it not for these friends, I would not have learned all the lessons I did in these past eight years. I would not have known what it meant to trust, encourage, serve, and love others. I would not have had anyone to support me through struggles and share in my triumphs. Each friend has played a significant role in the formation of my worldview and character.

While it is sad to have people leave after years of friendships forged through fire, it is a wonderful thing that we are moving on. Life indeed does go on, near or apart from our friends. We will live to see another day, near or apart from our friends. But I am convinced that distance does not define relationships, especially with the innovative means of telecommunications today.

So in this season of good-byes, I say, life's too precious to get all choked up in tears and sadness. I choose to look at the possibilities of the future, of where God is calling me and where God is calling my friends. So whether in New York, the Midwest, in California, in Texas, or in Korea, in China, in Taiwan, whether you're an i-banker, a med student, a teacher, homebody, I'm excited to see how our lives will turn out. I'm looking forward to hearing stories via gchat, email, facebook, blogs, and phone calls, and maybe possibly in future weddings and reunions.

Til then...

Responsibility

Yesterday was Father's Day. I love my dad, flaws and all, for all that he's done for me and my family. I can never underestimate the role that he has played in my life. And I thank God for him and the love he shows.

Yesterday was also a day when the Democratic presumptive nominee for the presidency gave a speech at an African-American church in Chicago. The theme of the message was a very sensitive and delicate matter in the black community - the lack of moral responsibility of the black male in the family. Mr. Obama said, "Too many fathers are M.I.A., too many fathers are AWOL, missing from too many lives and too many homes. They have abandoned their responsibilities, acting like boys instead of men. And the foundations of our families are weaker because of it." He later went on to say, "We need families to raise our children. We need fathers to recognize that responsibility doesn't just end at conception. That doesn't just make you a father. What makes you a man is not the ability to have a child. Any fool can have a child. That doesn't make you a father. It's the courage to raise a child that makes you a father." And though I do not necessarily agree with all of his political views, I will give him credit for the audacity to speak so bluntly on this race-sensitive matter.

But to take it one notch higher, it is not just an African-American problem, although it is more prevalent in the black community. The strength of families strongly depend on the health and vibrancy of two parents (mother and father) in all communities, and in this post-baby boomer generation, there seems to be a dearth of responsible young males dedicated to their wives and their children. How do you inspire faithful and responsible males in this generation in which popular culture says that sleeping around and having children out of wedlock is the fun thing to do? It almost seems hopeless.

But one thing that encouraged me yesterday was when some of the wives of our church read letters written from their hearts to their husbands and the fathers of their children. It showed me a glimpse of hope that there are men in the church today who are striving to fulfill their calling to be faithful husbands and loving fathers. And though I am still far away from even thinking about being a husband and a father, I am inspired by the examples I see and hope to follow in their footsteps.

The Local Church

About a year ago, I was in western China as part of a summer missions team. Per the missionary's directive, we were encouraged to connect with locals and share the Gospel, something we never anticipated doing in a "closed-country." We traveled from village to village and city to city praying that people would come to accept this good news.

In one of the cities, a few of us stumbled across a Muslim woman (most of the people we met were Muslim) who was inside a school complex. Somehow we found ourselves talking with her, and soon, we even began to share the Gospel. Starting from Adam and Eve and the original sin to the birth and death and resurrection of Christ, we methodically went over the Bible to share about the redemptive work of Jesus and what it meant for her life. We kept asking if she understood concepts of sin and atonement, and she said she did. She seemed to agree with everything we were sharing, which was exciting considering all the people we shared the Gospel with before had rejected us. So eventually, we told her that Jesus wanted to save her and all she had to do was invite Jesus into her life and accept that she could not be saved except through faith in Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. She paused for a long time to consider it, but ultimately said she couldn't. We asked her why she couldn't. She said the only reason was that all of her friends and family were Muslim and that Islam was part of their culture and heritage. She couldn't get over the fact that she didn't know any other person of her kind that followed Christ; there was no local church to be a viable witness. That was her stumbling block.

That experience confirmed one of the greatest lessons I've learned during my extended stay in Michigan. God knew what He was doing when I didn't understand why I kept getting the conviction to stay in Ann Arbor. I had only begun getting serious about following Christ by the time I graduated college; staying longer helped me to develop stronger convictions about the local church by serving HMCC.

By no means was my experience with HMCC perfect. But despite all of its flaws, I thank God for the church because it has taught me so much as I am preparing to move onto the next stage of life. The community is priceless, and I'll miss the people that have loved me, encouraged me, pushed me, inspired me, challenged me, rebuked me, and been there for me all these years.

My prayer is this: that HMCC would remain steadfast to its vision of transforming lost people into Christ disciples who will then transform the world. Whether in Ann Arbor, in Chicago, in Austin, in Indonesia, and wherever else God takes the church, I pray that the Gospel would take root and multiply.

To Austin

This past weekend, Pastor Ben, Susan, Isaiah, and several brothers and sisters were commissioned to launch a church plant at the heart of the University of Texas in Austin. Most of them left after Sunday Celebration yesterday for their new home down south. It's kind of surreal to think that some of these guys that I've known for some years now are no longer nearby. I guess that's what happens when close friends and people you serve alongside for years are gone from your life.

Though I am a bit sad that I won't be seeing these guys anymore, at least not in the near future, I'm more excited to see what God is gonna do in Texas. We're living in an exciting chapter in our lives when the possibilities seem endless and God is moving people towards their destinies. For these brothers and sisters, their short-term future lies in Austin, laying down the foundations for the body of Christ that desires to extend Christ love to unreached people at UT. And though I will not be readily connected to the HMCC family upon my departure to Washington D.C., I hope to hear stories of God's faithfulness and power demonstrated through this church plant.

So to the brothers and sisters of this team, I've been blessed to have known you (some better than others). But regardless of the nature of our relationship, I've been thoroughly encouraged and inspired by you all through the years of serving together in building up the body of Christ in Ann Arbor. And now as you have gone to fulfill the destiny that God has given you, I'm looking forward to hearing magnificent testimonies from you all. Whether you plant your roots in Austin or go on to bigger things for God elsewhere in America and/or the world, I hope that we can still be connected through whatever means available.

I hope to visit Austin one of these days, and so if I do make it out there, I'll be looking forward to some porterhouse steaks. And if, for whatever reason, you come out to Washington D.C., you'll have a friend to call out.

God bless, and I'll be praying for you guys.

Beginning of the End

It's that time again. Finals are done with, and students are pouring out. Commencement activities are in full swing. But in the midst of all the familiarities, there is something different about this year--at least for me. It's been eight years in the making (some would say four years overdue). It's time for me to begin saying goodbyes to those who have left an impression in my life at one point or another.

Throughout the next two or three months I have left in Ann Arbor, I wish to highlight those people who've made these past eight years memorable. At the very minimum, these entries will serve to remind me of how God faithfully placed these people during a crucial stretch of my young life.

SHIFT_

There was a good chance I would have never met these brothers and sisters. Last spring, I remember going back and forth whether I should stay in Ann Arbor one more year. I was a bit exhausted from serving as a small group leader, and I was beginning to doubt what God was doing in my life. But after much prayer and consultation with older brothers/sisters, I decided to dedicate one more year in serving the local church.

When I first found out about the make-up of the group, I was filled with trepidation because the group was so young. All along, I felt like I didn't have enough time and resources to minister to these brothers and sisters while doing a million other things that I had committed to. But that's when God spoke: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

This year, by no means, has been easy. Every week, God was definitely showing me that I was weak. All the times I tried relying on my past experiences as a small group leader, God broke me. There were times when I wanted to quit as well as times when God was evidently moving. There were times when I questioned whether all the things that Mirae and I were doing were worth it. But in the end, I know that God is faithful.

Last night, as I was watching the video that these guys made for us, I was blown away. Here I was, expecting God to do things my way, but all along, He knew what He was doing in the lives of all the brothers and sisters in the group. And as each person shared on the video, I felt God whispering to me, "it wasn't you leading them. It was me." And it's so true. I didn't d o much. But God took what I offered, and He multiplied it. I see it in their lives. From day one to where they are now. I see the hand of God working in their lives. And I'm amazed. And I thank God for them.

I want to thank each member that's made my last small group a memorable one. Humphrey. Justin. Joel. Paul. Sam. Nina. Lisa. Sieun. Christine. So Yeon. Sarah. Donna. Daniel. Rachel. Nick. Gary. Katie. Mirae. We'll keep in touch. I'm excited to see what God will do in your lives in the years to come. =)

Worth

This past Tuesday, in small group, we reflected on the cross and what the cross means to us. And as I was meditating on Scripture, the question that kept coming to mind was, "How much is Jesus worth to you?"

In all four Gospels, there is a story of a woman (only John's account notes her name as Mary) who brings an expensive perfume made of pure nard in an alabaster jar and pours all of it on Jesus. The writers note the price of the perfume as being three hundred Greek Denarii, equivalent to a full year's worth of wages. In the Matthew account of the story (Matthew 26:6-16), Judas Iscariot, one of the Twelve and future betrayer of Christ, becomes disillusioned and immediately goes to the chief priests, agreeing to betray Jesus for the price of 30 silver coins.

Mary Magdalene came to Jesus, unsolicited, and willingly spent a year's wage on Jesus Christ. As much as the price of the perfume is incredulous, the manner in which she anointed Jesus topped it off. John 12:3 says that she poured the perfume on Jesus' feet and wiped His feet with her hair. In ancient Palestine, everyone walked in sandals, and thereby people's feet would get really dirty. So for anyone to wash someone's feet, it meant complete humility on the part of the washer and a sign of honoring the person whose feet was being washed. Mary not only washes Jesus' feet, she does so with her hair. And for her deed, Jesus says, "She has done a beautiful thing to me...I tell you the truth, wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her" (Mark 14:6-9).

Judas Iscariot, on the other hand, agrees to hand Jesus over to the enemy for thirty silver coins. Some agree that the worth of these silver coins came out to a month's wage back in those days. I find it interesting that thirty silver coins was the price of a slave in Biblical times. Having spent three years under Jesus, Judas sees Jesus as worth nothing more than a slave whom he can keep or sell, depending on his disposition.

How much do I value Jesus Christ in my life? I can say that I treasure Him above anything else, but actions speak louder than words. Is He worth a full year's wage? Can I run to Him, unsolicited, and give Him everything I have to live on because He is who He is, the Son of God, the savior of the world? Or is he only worth the price of a slave? When Jesus becomes inconvenient or hard to follow, do I just sell Him out for chump change?

When I look at the cross of Christ, I see how much God valued us. He gave to the ultimate degree. And all I can do is fall on my knees in repentance because I know I don't give my ultimate to Him. I am unworthy to be called your son.

For God (the greatest lover) so loved (the greatest degree) the world (the greatest number) that he gave (the greatest act) his only begotten son (the greatest gift) that whosoever (the greatest invitation) believes (the greatest
simplicity) in him (the greatest person) shall not perish (the greatest deliverance) but (the greatest difference) have (the greatest certainty) everlasting life(the greatest possession). John 3:16 (Martin Luther)